TULSA, OK-
Mabel McCullough probably wasn't wishing for firemen before she blew out all 95 candles on her birthday cake; but, when the smoke cloud cleared, that's what she got.
The smoke from all 95 candles being blown out by McCullough and friends of First United Methodist Church woman's group triggered the fire alarms.
"We had just sat down to eat when we saw them in the doorway," said guest Eddi Carlin, as she and others were surprised to see 24 firefighters in their doorway.
The fire alarms brought five engines and two ladder companies of firemen, who were just as surprised as the birthday guests. The smoking birthday party was a first for Fire Chief Lonnie Lamb who said,
" In my 23 years on the job, I've seen a lot of things set off a fire alarm, but I don't think I've ever heard of one going off because of a birthday cake."
Although the firemen took pictures with birthday girl McCullough, they didn't stay to get their cut of the cake.
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Great approach to the lead ... too bad there are so many errors:
ReplyDelete* don't start a sentence with a numeral
* but, when the smoke ...
* that's
Make Carlin's quote its own paragraph. Ditto for the fire chief's quote.
* in the doorway," said guest ...
* as she (not her) and the others ...
Let the chief's quote say it; don't stomp on the punch line by telling me it was a "comedic first."
Good closing graph. This piece works well; without the errors, you'd be getting an A.
12/15 - want to revise?
P.S. What about News story 5 or News story 6?