A San Jose man remains in grave condition at Valley Medical Center with second and third-degree burns he suffered in a house fire yesterday.
San Jose fire Captain Rob Piper explained a fire in the kitchen of Robert Kent's home spread to the attic, engulfing the whole house in smoke. Kent, a retired man described in his 50's, was discovered unconscious in his kitchen by firefighters. Though heroic efforts by firefighters removed Kent from the burning house; his body was surrounded by flames, badly burning him. A nursing supervisor at Valley Medical Center unfortunately reports Kent suffered second and third-degree burns on 50 percent of his body.
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This is an OK lead, but I think it would be a lot more attention-getting if you started out with "Firefighters rescued a San Jose man from his burning house ...." Then identify the man and his condition in the next paragraph.
ReplyDelete* in his 50s (the fact sheet has it right)
* avoid verging on commentary (cut "heroic" and "unfortunately" -- trust your reader to figure that out on their own)
* more paragraph breaks!
17/20